Paranoir

"Fuck" Thats the first word in my head even before my eyes are open. I can't see nothin. Fear, sharp and cool,like a steel blade buries itself deep into my guts and twisting it into a knot. Blackness,drapes over me, smothering,suffocating me...am I dead? No I can't be, I'm still breathing, ain't I?! Where am I? I try to remember, I shut my eyes tight and try again,my mind is blank ...pitch black,i'm wrapped in something that feels like a fuckin shroud. I lie still..thats all I can do right now..my bodys stiff,Theres an ache rooted deep in my left, hmmmm...a few broken ribs, four maybe..I wouldn't bet on it but the odds are good.Madame Luck doesn't do me favors The bitch hates me. My heads is throbbin..the kind that makes even the toughest bastards whimper. Shit, I’ve seen Vets piss their fuckin pants. I ain't tough..not like the old days..I'm pushing 50 but right now I feel like the wrong end of 70. I'm a corpse thats been in the cold-farm far too long, pale and all shriveled up like a fuckin raisin. I've seen too many bodies in my time, more than any sane man ought to but Heck!! It's better to SEE a dead body than to be one...ain't it? Somewhere at back of my head, I can feel a vein throbbing, loud and rythmic tickin' like it's a goddamned clock, a big one or mebbe one of those crazy jungle drums in the Phantom comics. I try to focus on it and realize my eyes are still shut tight. I try to open them but they feel stuck,heavy and puffy.(shhhit)....I remember. Goddammnedchickenshit Sloan boys,motherfuckin sonsawhores, jumped me and beat me shitless and left me to die at the fuckin tar-pits, BIG FUCKIN MISTAKE, they should have made sure. Now, I'm gonna havta show them how...It ain't necessary but I'm gonna do it anyhow...I'm gonna send out a message, a fuckin bloody one!! But first.. I need to get outta this shit hole. Slowly I open my busted peepers as much as I can, blurry shifty images. I rub them, tryin to clear my vision.. and I see blood, so much blood everywhere....SHIT ..BLOOD??.. blood blinking all over the walls. I panic, bolt up straight, somethin in my back slips and pops, a slug of brilliant white-hot pain sears its way through my head and lodges just behind my eyeballs. MOTHERFU.....BLINKING?? blinking blood?? Pain...ahh sweet pain, I relish it,I savor it, I fuck it. Pain is good sometimes...it helps me focus....it also means I'm still alive.Pain is good. Shit..retardedfuckinidiot, think first think fast !! I'm gettin jumpy...a goddamned ametuer , the "blinking" blood is light from the motel's neon sign outside, "VACANCY" it yells silently and dangerously,like a warning.
Better stupid than dead, I try a grin at the window and my mouth feels…..crooked??!!....Hmm...atleast the pills have been doing their part....a little too well sometimes, I can barely recall last night, not that there's much to remember, things have been pretty quiet these past few nights..too quiet almost. I don't like it, not a scratched penny's worth...it ain't a good thing, this quiet, not in the present predicament I’m neck-deep and a foot in (again).25 years in the business has taught me to trust my instincts, it ain't much but it ain't nuthin either. Fuckin details..Details....even the ones that seem insignificant can be the difference between life and death....atleast in my line of work...and hell...I ain't ready to die...not yet. I look at my watch, it reads 2:37 am, but I ain't sure, Goddamned watch is as reliable as a 5 dollar hooker. My mind begins to catch up slowly, bits and pieces of information....like a tattered old diary.I remember.I place my hands on my face, its covered in goo... sticky goo and cloth, lots of it. FUCK..it's true then ?!! Bandages all over my head,like I'm some goddamned egyptian mummy, a fuckin' King Tut. I try to smile ...it hurts...my lips feel torn,so it looks like.. I tried to bite off more than what I could chew? Little Nicky would have laughed at this but Little Nicky is locked inside the trunk of his '68 Buick with a chest full of holes, a head full of lead and a one way ticket to La-la Land, I put him there. Little Nicky doesn't know shit. The little fuck tried to cross me, nobody crosses me…..nah..not ever...especially my friends, the Sloan twins were gonna learn that soon. Little Nicky could have told them,if he weren't as dead that is...it's too bad he decided to sell out,the kid would have gone places, shoulda stuck wit me.I miss the little shit right now, he was a-dime-a-hoot...well a friggin dumb hoot, as he turned out to be. Mebbe I should have heard him out first...too late now,in any case, I have a feelin I'll be seein him real soon. Goddamned bitches, if I told him once I told him a thousand times. Rule number 1 : Don't trust the dames, fuck 'em leave 'em. Rule number 2 : Don't fuck up rule number 1,simple,effective.Thats how I roll,I mebbe busted bad but I'm still breathin,ain't I? Nicky didn't listen and look where that got him..dead as a coffin nail, all because he couldn't keep his little cock inside his pants...a goddamned broad....for chrissake ??!!Whatever happened to loyalty ?? To honor ?? all that fancy SHIT!! This is what it's come down to. The entire generation has gone to hell, goddamned lives fabricated in a petri dish or by cheap thrills and busted rubber in the godforsaken back alleys and the dilapidated buildings.Life is in ruins,it’s a fuckin disease now! Ironic. The Yellow coats have taken over, this city has turned into a sore,a sore festering with maggots and rottin pus and it's only a matter of time before the infection spreads. I gotta get out. This is a lost cause, mebbe the kid was right all along....Mebbe I was already too late.....fuck...I gotta get out before I lose my head....literally.

The blood light breaks off the crystal bottle beside me and paints a constellation on the dirty chipped wall.It's almost beautiful. Jana Berkova, Sassy Jana, she with her diamond studded dildos and her two-bit Russian accent, the only broad I could ever consider takin to bed,the only dame who could give me a hard-on. Her fetish for shiny things got to her eventually...damned yellow coats made sure of that...but DAMN she was all woman, golden wispy hair, a rack that sent every law of physics to hell, a peach of an ass and legs that wouldn't quit!! Goddamn ! A man could spend an entire lifetime between them and still want more. Sassy Jana...they sure don't make 'em like they used to. The wall is full of faces, some known and others I can't remember. I see my old man there, he looks sad,old...lonely but he's been like that eversince mom took off with his brother, leavin me with him. He tried to drown himself in bottle after bottle of brown-paper booze, emptying one after the other as if he expected to find the back-stabbin bitch at the bottom of it. Fuck! I don't like thinkin about this.Tears blur my sight....FUCK HER and FUCK HIM too, they were weak, both of them..fuckin prisoners of their own pathetic lives. I grab the bottle, still staring into my dad's dead eyes and take a generous swig ,the smooth liquid burns it's way down my parched throat like liquid gold and begins to undo my knotted guts.Yea..this feels good....whisky...my favourite poison...I shouldn't be drinkin, I know, but there is a lotta things I shouldn't be doin or done.Fuck that !!I take another swig at it and empty the bottle...ahh, breakfast's done. I get outta the bed and light a half smoked cigar, it tastes like shit...but it'll have to do...what is it that people say about beggars and choosers? Hmmph ! Sonsabitches will say anythin these days. Father Luca was like that, always pokin his Italian knob into my business, that is when he wasn't suckin on a 13 year old cock anyway, always a fuckin preacher, that hypocritical facist pig. How many little boys did he kill? That pedophile cocksucker! I bet hes burnin in hell.
My eyes feel heavy,My mind's a mess and my chest hurts like a bitch. I'm tired. Mebbe I should sleep a bit....yea, sleep for another hour...or three...........
But NO, hold on, wait..NO, I gotta get outta here. Those yellow fucks are good trackers, cocksuckin half-breeds could sniff out almost anythin. And besides somethin ain't right here...I've felt that since I woke up.Its like a splinter stuck in my brain...I gotta dig it out, I gotta think...think think remember, focus you fuckin sonofabitch..think...THINK. The clock ticking inside my head gets louder and louder...and now it's only the drums..DRUMS...louder..LOUDER I need to clear my head...I shake it.... a little more than I mean to...sharp white light like shards of broken glass fills my head..shitfuck..I can't take it anymore, I yell..or atleast I think I did. My head explodes like an over-ripe melon...and suddenly it gets brighter, I'm twelve,we're on a boat...me and dad, we're fishin at the old cove, and now I've got a bite and i'm fighting to reel it in, "IT'S A WHOPPER" yells dad and laughs crazily. A chill runs down my spine.I struggle with the catch ....I'm nervous..the boat swerves violently…it's gonna topple.No,Help me! I'm afraid, scared shit-less. Dad's disappeared.It's just me and the fuckin fish. I wanna let it go but I can't ,my hands ain't respondin, instead I start to reel it in...inch by inch, I bring it in..I see somethin dark break the surface, sea-weed?? No! Hair ? Fuckin hair?? At the end of the line is little Nicky's head,black hair,bald in some places ,half his nose is missin, his sockets are empty because his eyes are gone completely "Damn the trouts, THEY'LL EAT ANYTHINNNnnn" his screech is cut short by a series of phlegmy cough, thick muddy water and some bits and pieces that look like teeth exit his dead purple lips!! And suddenly my throat is on fire, My feet turn into putty and I crash back into the bed.The stench of drying blood and pus fills my nostrils and i gag on my own vomit. I clamber out of bed and up-chuck my last meal on the floor...I choke, darkness is comin again,fast...too fast, I fight for breath. I hear foot-steps approachin outside, one...two pairs...or three.It's begun...fuck...I knew this was comin but not right NOW..no ! Hold on!! Somethin ain't right !! This feels bad...Somethin' ain't.....and then it hits me, a sucker punch, a low blow.. fUCK,FUCK,SHIT,FUCKINSHIT, the bottle, Oh no! It's the bottle, the whisky, where did it come from? I try to remember but it's pointless, I know that already. I've fucked up. Fucked up bad. The bottle was empty…is empty. The room starts spinning....faster and FASTER out of control. The footsteps are right outside the door and from the corner of my eye, I see the shadows. My piece...my Gun, where the fuck is it? I grope my back already knowin better. It ain't there....I hear the rusty grate of the door knob turning....turnin..turn...the door creaks as it opens slowly. Dim yellow light, the color of piss, seeps into the room.....footsteps... dragging feet. I see the shadows enter..I count them..one...two...three..."Fuck".....

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