Dear Reader,
I think I'm done with writing. I apologize, I really do. I promised you long miles and pleasant trips but here I am already at the end, distraught, tired, unable to continue. What started out as therapy has turned into a farce, a sideshow.I have fabricated reality, entwined it with the fibers of my own discord and knitted a noose, by which I now hang myself, metaphorically speaking of-course. I wrote because I felt unheard, alone ,because I felt I was dissipating atom by atom, evaporating like spit on a heated skillet,so insignificantly.Back then I realized I had raised this great barrier around myself and isolated myself from everyone/everything..so I wrote.. to remind everyone, including myself, that I still exist...or atleast that was the intent.
To scribble a few big words on a piece of paper is easy, to speak your mind can be planned, fixed,...but your heart says different, doesn't it? The heart's language is complicated, difficult to understand, it speaks in beats and aches, races and breaks, re-starts and rebounds, love and hate, doubt and faith....but it speaks the truth and this is what I cannot convey.I apologize because I now believe that I've lied to you, tricked you. Perhaps I did it unknowingly, convinced myself that I was writing with heart's blood or maybe I was aware, but thats not the point.What I wrote wasn't me, I wrote to please, the very first post to these last words.I wrote for you and you alone, every word, every line, every syllable, every rhyme was designed for you..misdirection and like a second rate magician, with one hand, I flourished colorful scarves in the air while the other pulled out plastic roses from my sleeve.
Shit, I don't know !!
....or maybe I wasn't lyin at all, maybe everythin I said I meant.Sometimes even I am a stranger to myself. Time changes things (does it really?),....only change is constant. So maybe I'm changin, finally evolving...or perhaps even rottin away. Who can say? I fear I'm "turning into a phony." Hurt inspired me, darkness fascinated me and boredom urged me but it was your attention that addicted me...so I wrote and I wrote for you.The point is...I've spoken too much and said too less.Who am I kiddin? I think I faked it all...and yet I don't know...I don't know!!
Lo, here we are, my dear companion...my muse. A familiar setting, where the paths we've paved intersect and part. Do we go our own ways here or do we go on hand in hand....until another cross-road? I wish I could believe in fate, that there is a higher power somewhere up there, who pens down the scripts of our lives, who is perhaps as sappy as we are and maybe this supreme being is laughing his/her ass off right now...because he/she sees the irony in the situations we believe we created. So, Dear Reader...maybe we shouldn't say good-bye.....not just yet....lets kid ourselves and imagine we have a few laughs comin our way too.So with these words I leave you now, but I'll see you soon.....this side or the other.
Love and regards,
yours nonetheless.
No comments:
Post a Comment